I find myself on a train once again. However this time I’m rocked into a deep place of peace like a babe in a mother’s arms. Swaying side to side and back and forth on tracks that feel like soft and malleable metal strings in the sky.
So I’ve lived here in this enormous conglomerate of humans for over two years now and I have had quite the transformation of soul and intellect. Not only have I physically aged from all the information exposure and seemingly stressful experiences, but my spirit has become all the more wise.
When I first moved down here I wrote about my thoughts and emotions at the time. It was riddled with anxiety and fear. I had questions I needed answered. I had this desire to at least try. So I took the little belongings I had left after my SoCal journey and moved to New York City with just a few hundred dollars in my pocket.
I had fears, doubts, and anxiety then. However, I still have fears, doubts, and anxiety to this day. The only difference now is that I’ve discovered how to accept them and use them as a superpower. I am constantly learning new ways to manage those feelings and emotions. But let me give you a little bit of context about this anxiety I have before I dive into what I think of New York City after living here for a few intense years, finding success, and discovering myself.
It usually starts in the early hours of the morning. I’ll be going through my second or third REM cycle, deeply dreaming, but by the time this part of my dreams occur, they turn dark and scary. This is when the anxiety and fear kicks in.
It’s been like this for as long as I can remember, and especially so much stronger in my childhood. I would wake up my mom in the middle of the night, bless her soul for dealing with this, because I had night terrors. She would assure me it was all okay, gave me a snack, and put me back to bed.
The point I’m getting at is that my fear and anxiety comes from a subconscious place at first. I’m not afraid of the present moment or tasks I have to do at hand, but I’m temporarily burdened by a deeply rooted misalignment that lingers in the background.
This is still happening to this day, not as frequently, but a few times a month. And when it does happen, it spills over into my morning and tends to be the foundation during the day. But it’s not a feeling that is crippling to me anymore. To me it’s a spidey-sense, my own mind showing me signals about where I need to be and what I need to do.
It’s simple: if I feel anxious somewhere, I don’t need to be there. If I feel happy and relaxed, I belong. That’s my emotional compass sometimes. I feel anxious here in the city when I’m truly focused, connected with myself, and not distracted. This place is not 100% for me. This city is gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve gotten what I wanted out of here and it’s time to start a new chapter. I am a man of raw nature and my next chapter will be going back to my roots in the countryside of Connecticut, where I know I belong.
Finally, I feel as if I’ve come full circle in my young life. I have the insane experience of the city to thank for helping me finish up my Saturn Return, helping me realize where I truly need to be, and what I need to be doing in life. New York City is nothing more than a real and unapologetic playground of human experience- both of nasty evil and glorious good. It’s a place where people figure stuff out, or they don’t and spiral into madness. It’s a place where certain dreams come to life or where they go to die a painful and pitiful death. Either way, YOU are the one to make what you want out of the experience. And as I’m learning in real time that this place is no longer for me on a daily level, I highly encourage anyone and everyone that wants to try it to at least TRY.
You can make it there, doing whatever you please, whenever. And if you don’t, that’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. This is what New York City is and what it is constantly teaching. I see the city as a mirror and amplifier of my own self. It allowed me to discover myself, play with others, be hurt, be scared, be betrayed but above all it let me be me and let me see myself in its rawest and unrefined form.
Everything I sacrificed in the last few years to live and work here was worth it. I’m grateful for it. It showed me that my anxiety and fear is nothing but a natural tool for my mind to use as a strength to keep on the good fight of life. I love New York City, shit in the streets and all. I love its people. I love its pain. And I certainly will never forget all the love that is here in infinite abundance. This is New York City.
These acrylic paintings depict vases filled with vibrant purple and red flowers in abstract styles. The flowers are painted with bold brushstrokes and the colors blend and mix together, creating dynamic and lively compositions. The vases are suggested with subtle lines and shapes, allowing the focus to be on the beautiful flowers. The overall effect is a stunning and expressive display of color and form, evoking a sense of joy and energy.
Hi y’all, I know it’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted written work or poetry, but I’ve been busy working on compiling a book of my best works and will be self publishing.
I haven’t been writing a lot of new pieces recently due to putting my time and energy into making this book. I think over the last 10 years of creating I haven’t given myself the appropriate time to properly reflect on my work and put them all together in a professional package.
So hopefully within the next year I can finish gathering, editing, and pairing the poetry with photos. I’ll try to post some new pieces or some really good unpublished ones before I publish the book if I can.
I really appreciate everyone’s support and encouragement when it comes to my writing. I’m looking forward to presenting a final curated package for the world to read.
As we return to the natural, and become aware of the sacred mindfulness that is a seamless relationship with our environment, we are inclined to follow our biophilic intuitions.
For as long as written human history has been around, there has been evidence of human control of nature. Examples include: cultivation of plants, agricultural practices, and the domestication of nature through land use development.
Plants and fungi have always been the answers to life for me. They have been an answer for my art as well. I hope you enjoy looking at these and analyzing how it makes you feel as much as I did creating them.
Being able to utilize a very chaotic natural material such as moss and frame it, quite literally, in a controlled and linear fashion is a compelling contrast that I need to artistically explore. Not just because it fascinates me due to what I do for work as a landscape designer , but also that it arises from this ancient place that I feel I share genetically with my ancestors.
I hope you enjoy looking at these and analyzing how they make you feel as much as I did composing and creating them. Cheers!